Friday, March 15, 2013
At This Age
I am sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. I just left my son in a very large and intimidating operating room. He was lying on bed, with a mask on his face, surrounded by people in scrubs. He looked very small. As I walked away, tears running down my face, I was reminded about our conversation yesterday in the car. You see, today was CLOWN DAY at Gideon's school. Yes, you read that correctly. Clown Day. Apparently, his school won something and clowns were coming to teach class to give some kind of lesson. Gideon was terrified. Honestly, if he hadn't had this procedure scheduled, I might have let him stay home. Now, most people know about my intense dislike of clowns, and unfortunately, Gideon has inherited that. He explained to us that although he went to the circus last year, and enjoyed the clowns, AT THIS AGE, he is now afraid of them. He said those words: "At this age". Because last year he was just a naive youngster, not knowing any better about what lies beneath the makeup. But now, he knows better, and AT THIS AGE, he is afraid of clowns. I wish I could reassure him, but I cannot. I understand his fear. I once saw a clown driving a car on the GSP, and almost had an accident.
Another thing Gideon has inherited from his mom, is anxiety. He was diagnosed this year with an anxiety disorder, and I blame myself. I am riddled with the stuff. As I sit here typing, my stomach churns. I feel nauseous, and my heart is about to beat out of chest. I am typing just so that my hands stop shaking. I know deep down that Gideon is going to be fine. This is just dental surgery, and he has been under anesthesia before. yet, the dentist said a 1 hour to 2. And it is now 1 1/2 hours. So, it is past the 1 hour mark. Why is it taking so long? Why do I see other parents and family leave the waiting room, and I am being left behind? I would pay for a few clowns to come and do a dance right now. Clowns Shmlowns.
One of the main reasons behind all this anxiety is lack of control. I am useless. I can't help. I can't make it better. I am not in charge. Being helpless makes me afraid. Yet, I have been told to not be afraid. Commanded to, actually. Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." So, geez. How can I not be afraid? I am totally dismayed right now. It seems unreasonable that I give that up. Do I just sit here, all peaceful and calm, knowing full well that my son will be well protected, because God will always be with him wherever he goes? Yes, yes, and again yes. Psalm 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" . My own understanding totally stinks. My own understanding is afraid of grown people who wear too much makeup and entertain children. So, AT THIS AGE, I have to wake up and let go. I need to able to teach my son about trusting God. So, at this age, I can be a woman who is at peace with herself and her life. Who, despite all the anxiety life throws at me, I can simply lean on my God, and trust that it will end the way it needs to end. This doesn't mean, of course, that I will be visiting a circus anytime soon. At this age, I know better than that :)